9.25.14

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend." - Red, The Shawshank Redemption

God Bless the USA

Innocent Americans lost their lives this day 13 years ago.

Heroes from the NYPD, NYFD, as well as bystanders, risked their lives to save another.

Men and women walked selflessly onto a battlefield to fight for our freedoms in honor of our country.

While this may feel like "old news" to some, families live with these memories every single day.

This day and every day, I am proud to be an American.

The evolution of 'girls night'

Gone are the days of wild, late nights, pregaming until midnight, and shaking our asses in the bar until 2AM. Gone are the days of nursing hangovers the next day with pizza and fountain drinks.

As we've gotten older it is safe to say we have evolved. Had you told me 10 years ago that I would be looking forward to crafting until 10PM and sleeping by 11PM, I would have told you that you were crazy.

If you asked me then if I would miss the crazy nights now, my answer would have been yes.

If you were to ask me now if I miss those nights, I would still say yes. They were some of the best nights of my life with girlfriends that I will undoubtedly grown old with. What I didn't know then was how much I would love quiet nights in just the same.

It's not how you spend your nights that matters. It's who you spend them with. What matters are the memories you create. I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Besides, I got a cute new wreath out of the deal. Look for us at the next Christmas Bazaar!

Welcome to the family

Krissy and her family are heading south. With their move, we have acquired a new family member. This little pup is special. He's been my sister's favorite since the day she got him. He's a snuggly little guy.

She was heartbroken when she came to the realization that their new home wouldn't allow for pups. I had no other answer besides 'yes' when she asked if he could join our family.

For the days leading up to getting him, Murphy was excited. I told him he would have a new friend that understood the concept of fetch and, hopefully, would teach him. I also told him that he was coming from a home of pups and he'd need Murphy to help him adjust to his new home.

Meet Duke, the newest addition to the family.

He doesn't seem to be all that fond of Murphy yet, but he also can't seem to get a quiet moment alone.

Looking forward to this guy making himself at home and Murphy learning the value of personal space. 

Time for a break

Have you ever felt like you were getting lost in your day? The hustle and bustle of life, the 24/7 connection to the rest of the world. How many times have you 'spent' time with someone, without really spending time with them? Were you engrossed in your social media feed and missed the point of their story?

I think we've all been guilty. When did this happen? We spend more time taking photos of our food, or wine, or environment only to post to Instagram, Facebook or Twitter. Is it because we as a society have become more vain? Are we afraid that people may forget us if our online activity diminishes? We take photos for memories, but we are missing the moment. Often times, out of boredom, we find ourselves looking to social media to fill empty time. I'm personally guilty of this, especially with Facebook.

I've come across several articles over the last few months that I've found to be quite interesting. This concept of "divorcing your smartphone" and getting back to when things were a little more simple, and things were a little more meaningful.

I decided to embark on this challenge. Knowing that my family, my friends, and my friends' families were too important to me to miss entirely, I decided that I would "detox" if you will, for two weeks.

I deactivated my account. I deleted the app.

The.World.Didn't.Stop.

In fact, the world became a little more quiet and a little more enjoyable. 

I realized that if I added up all the time I spend scrolling out of boredom, I could read a chapter in the book I have on my nightstand. I could finally get the room I love the most in our home complete. I could write a little more often. I could spend more time being healthy. I could enjoy more quality time with my husband.

I've since reactivated my account after the two weeks were complete. (In all fairness, I love my friends and enjoy the daily accomplishments, motivations and damn adorable family photos posted regularly)

The app, however, remains removed from my phone.

I choose to invite inspiration and activity into the space previously spent scrolling - and definitely spending more time in my favorite room.

finally complete.

Smartphones and social media were created to help us stay in touch with the people in our life in "real-time". What's interesting is the effect this has had on the relationships put on hold by constant notifications. It's become a little counterproductive, wouldn't you say? Just some food for thought.

If you're interested, I've linked two of the articles below.

Breaking up with my smartphone
Our Unplugging Challenge

Survival Instincts

"She rolled over, buried half her face in her pillow, and smiled slightly. It was then the overwhelming realization washed over me that there is so much more to life than simply surviving it."
- Tyler Knott Gregson


How often do you live your days simply by surviving? Will you wake up 40yrs from now, look back on this time in your life, and say 'Damn, that was one hell of a ride'?

Maybe it's time we all focus more on living instead of simply just surviving.

Said best



The Greatest Love Story

January 27, 2013: Our world forever changed.

I will never forget the smell of her pressed powder or the way her fingernails were always polished.  I won't forget her laugh or how she would always sneak in an extra hug and a kiss when you were leaving.

She was a remarkable woman. 

It's taken me a long, very long, time to compose myself enough to write this.  I still think of her often and can't usually get through a memory without tears, so you'll have to forgive me for the way this may be written.  For a long time, I dreamt of her.  I'd hear her tell me that I needed to stop crying or she'd go away.  I'd hear her tell my sister how much she loved her over and over again.  I believe she was speaking to us.

Let me just start from the beginning.

She lived in a little red house the next town over from where we grew up.  We'd go over for dinner on Sunday nights and as we walked to the door, Krissy and I swore we could hear the house shaking as our Grandpa would make his way to the recliner only to pretend he was sleeping.  We'd run in, rush through our hellos with Gram and JUMP on his stomach.

"You brat and a half and three-quarters!"  Every time.

If only we knew then how much we'd miss that and how much we wished we didn't rush through her hello.  But that was just her.  There was love in her home and that was all that mattered.

We'd race through our soup, because after all, that meant a ride on the barbershop chair in the basement.  She'd try to hold conversation with Gramps and my parents, but always so quickly he'd snap that she was going to make him lose.  He had two granddaughters that he loved more than anything.  No matter how hard he tried, something tells me he'd never win!

Us with Grandpa after one of our dance recitals

The last time they were pictured together

 

Most of our childhood was like that.  Love surrounding us all the time.  We had a great family and we all spent so much time together.  Every weekend.  Every holiday.

And then our Grandpa passed away.  I was only in first grade when he passed and to this day it amazes me how much I remember of him.  I must have known at that young age how important it was to remember him.  So I did.  I etched his face into my memory forever.

She would tell us stories of him often.  How they met, how persistent he was in sending postcards from Connecticut to Rhode Island, how he didn't listen when she told him to get lost.  She would tell us stories about how she waited for him to come home from the war, how they began their life in a 3-family house, upstairs from her inlaws.  She told us how she knew they needed a car, and against his wishes landed a job at Scovill's working second shift.  Oh how mad she said he was when he picked her up. "Fine, but you are only working until we can afford the car.  Then you are quitting".

She retired from Scovill's.

Oh she would laugh.  The greatest laugh.  And it never mattered how many times we asked for the story or how many times she told it.  It was always our favorite and she'd always end the story with tears in her eyes.  Her love for him never faded.  She believed that they were soul-mates and you only get one in a lifetime.  She believed that he was waiting for her in heaven and so she waited for the time that she would be reunited with him.  All of the suitors that followed him never had a shot.  She was a one-man woman. 



Us with Gram - 2008

She once told us that she would feel his lips on her lips in the middle of the night and it would waken her from slumber.  Whoever said that romance is dead never heard her stories.

 

If I could pinpoint the best advice she ever gave us it would be to "Be Nice".  Such a simple statement, but if you start to tear away all the layers it becomes one of the most powerful statements in the world.  Be nice with how you treat others.  Be nice with how you treat yourself.  Be nice to your husband.  Be nice to strangers. Be nice to family.  It didn't matter who was fighting, it didn't even matter if the fight was a result of defending HER.  She never wanted to see us acting in malice because that was just ugly.  And we had too much class for that.

I would attest 100% of my crafting ability to her.  She was always teaching us something.  How to sew, how to knit or crochet, how to make flowers from masking tape.  She was so talented.  She could whip up an apple pie like no one's business and never got mad if we accidentally poured in too much sugar.  That was just her.  I could ask her everyday how to do the same damn stitch and she would never get mad.  And when I told her I KNEW that I wanted that scarf to be that big and it was intentional, she just chuckled and said ok.  The laughter grew a little bigger when weeks later she asked how it was going and I told her I had to rip the stitches out because it was just too big.

God we loved her.

The best part about my job at the time was our winter travel schedule our East Coast winter travel.  It would guarantee me extra time with Gram and Krissy.  And like always, I couldn't wait to get there.  It was a Friday and I had to pack after work to leave for Connecticut on Sunday.  I'd get through the hellish 3 days and spend some major QT with Krissy, her gorgeous offspring, and Gram.

And then mom called.

"Millie.  I just wanted to tell you that Gram is in the hospital.  She had a heart attack last night.  We don't know much, but we'll be leaving soon."

I remember dropping the phone and putting my head down into my hands and just loosing it.  Crying in public is something I never do. But this time, it just didn't matter. I wasn't ready for this and somehow I knew that this was going to change everything.

That was probably the longest drive to CT we've ever had to make.  I remember staring out the window and praying to any God that would listen to please...please just let us get there before she left us.

My sister was able to get in to see her that day.  She held her hand and made sure she didn't feel alone.  She told her that we were on our way and she just needed to listen to the doctors so she would get better and come home.  I will forever be indebted to Krissy for that.

When we saw her on Saturday everything had changed.  The doctors said her body was reacted badly to the medication and that they believed she had a stroke.  They said that she was sedated for her own safety and we had to be silent if we went into the room to prevent her from getting too excited and increasing her blood pressure.

She looked so small in that hospital bed.  It was probably the first time I hadn't seen her with her stylish glasses and lipstick.  She looked so helpless and so sad.

Jared took us back later that night.  We needed more time with her.  We needed her to know that we were there and that we loved her.  We needed her to know that she wasn't alone.

I don't remember the names of the nurses on call that night, but I believe they were meant to be there at that exact moment on that exact rotation.

The nurse walked by and saw Krissy and I arm in arm, hovering silently over Gram's big hospital bed.  He came in and asked if we wanted a chair.  He reassured us that it was ok to talk to her, to hold her hand, that he would be monitoring the machines.  That we couldn't stay that long, but it was ok.

We said, "hi Gram", and her little heart rate jumped immediately.  She couldn't open her eyes or speak to us, but she knew we were there.

Krissy and I both respected the need for each other to have a private moment.  I won't go into what we told Gram....I don't even know if I could bare to pour all of that out.  What I will share is that  unknowingly we both uttered a version of the same phrase to her: "It's ok Gram.  We understand.  We know you want to be with grandpa and it's ok."

We both sat there silently for a moment, and I leaned over to Krissy and said "is Gram crying?".  And she was.  The most innocent and delicate tear had formed in the outer corner of her eye.  We were told earlier in the evening that she was unresponsive to all commands.  But there she was, in some of her last moments fighting.  Because she knew we loved her and she knew she wanted us to know that she loved us too.

About an hour after we left that night, the doctor said she suffered a fairly large episode and there was no coming back from it and it was just the machines keeping her alive now.  Krissy and I believe that she was waiting for us.  And when she knew we were there and that we would be ok, we believe she left us.

People say that its the fight in you that keeps you alive.  In that moment, we believe Gram finally stopped fighting.  They turned the machines off the following morning.

Jared told us that she made him promise her on Christmas Eve that he would take care of us when she died.  Just a month before her passing she knew it was coming and she needed to know that we would be ok.  She loved him as her grandson and she trusted that he would fulfill his promise.

Gram passed away 13 days following Grandpa's 25th death anniversary.  She was 92 years old.  When we buried her in the plot she prepaid for 25 years prior...so they could be buried next to each other....there was a single rose in a baggy left on his grave.  We knew it was from her.  She loved that man until the day she died.  I hope they're having a rip-roaring time up there!



Losing someone you love is never easy.  You never feel like you've had enough time with them.  You always wish for one more hug, one more story, one more 'I Love You'.  Our life has been filled with so much joy.  She was a remarkable women and one that continues to be missed every single day.  I will never forget the stories or the lessons she tried to teach us.  I will never forget how beautiful she was, inside and out.

Dan quoted 'The Bucket List' the night she passed, reminding me of the two most important questions:

"Have you found joy in your life?  Have you brought joy to others"

Anyone that knew Gram felt her love and the joy she brought into their life.  She made life more colorful.  She lived to see both of her sons find love, she experienced the new joy of two granddaughters, she watched as her only granddaughters found their love and got married, and shared the joy in the birth of her first great-granddaughter.   

 

 

Gram at our wedding, October 2012
(My bouquet wrapped in the pearls Grandpa gave her on their wedding day)

Christmas 2012 - Gram, Maddie, Jared, Krissy

When the paramedics came to pick her up on the night she had a heart attack, she changed out of her nightclothes, made her bed and put on lipstick.  She wouldn't dare leave the house without being presentable.

She was amazing.  I think everyone can afford to be a little more like her.

Jared honored Gram during her funeral, and included the lyrics from Tough People Do, by Trace Adkins.  It couldn't have been more perfect.




I love you Gram.  You continue to shape the women we are becoming.  We miss you every day.

The Beginning Comes Again

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, know loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ros

I thought this to be a powerful quote as we embark on the changes, the struggles, the victories and the true happiness in 2013.  Let us all be guided by our victories and not our defeats.  The only thing that is certain is that each breath is easier than the last.


Happy New Year.

My Project: December

1. De-Clutter
Blackstone: Merlot

December comes amidst the first annual Gutscina Family Vacation, Christmas parties, house/dog sitting for my parents for a week, and the holidays.  The holidays can be stressful alone, not to mention the idea of tackling an item on the list. 

So without further delay I bring to you December: The month for Organization - Part I.

If you don't already know this about us, our lives tend to be a bit crazy even during the "boring" months.  So staying organized and tidy in our home isn't always the easiest.  Things tend to be left where they drop so finding a new system for our home is going to take some extra work. 

First up was the cabinet under the sink.  I am OBSESSED with cleaning products.   I have them everywhere.  Under the kitchen sink, in the hallway closet, in the bathroom closet and some in the garage.  Yikes.  Needless to say this space needed reorganization and a little purging. 

Murphy photobombing me as usual.

This is the end result.  Not much less under there but I can attest that different products have different purposes.  The bin on the left is for "kitchen cleaning", the bin on the right is for "living room cleaning".  I would have liked to do a 2-tier shelf under there, but our disposal hangs pretty low and I don't want to hang anything off the doors, that makes me feel overwhelmed.

Since this project only took me about an hour, I decided I was due to start our bathroom project.  It falls under the realm of organization, so I got to it.

My husband is such a good sport.

Here is the bathroom before.  Not only does it need reorganization, but its just so dark.  A bathroom should feel crisp. 

What isn't pictured is the damaged vanity doors. One of the front doors "fell off" during a poker party a while back, and any amount of repair hasn't brought it back to its glory. The damn sink was so pricey when the husband first remodeled this bathroom, that its hard to justify completely getting rid of it.  I've tried.

I decided to remove the front doors and use it as an open vanity.  A stop at the local Target led me to these awesome baskets.  They couldn't match any better.  One basket for toilet paper, the other for extra guest towels.  We've going to try removing the existing shelf/faucet and hopefully replace it with a higher quality wall faucet, if the plumbing allows.  The same with the overhead light.  New shower curtain, fresh white trim, and a new air vent that still needs installed.

Murphy was in my grill the entire time I was painting the trim.  He is completely ridiculous.

 

Still have some things to finish in here, but its feeling brighter already.  Not completely decided on the top color of the walls.

When I am not working on my project list, I like to relax on the couch with a glass of wine and pin my life away on Pinterest.  I have more craft projects, home projects, and outdoor settings to do than I can handle.  What started as innocent "oh, I like that idea" has turned into a mass amount of pins to maybe 3 or 4 boards total.  If I am trying to organize my life, why the hell is my pinned life such a disaster?  I have 3 days left to December.  My goal will be to delete the ones I no longer like and organize the rest that truly give me inspiration.

And I am most definitely deleting the Great Cookie Exhange Fail of 2012.  That pin was whack!

 

Love of an old kind.

My dearest,
When two souls, which have sought each other for however long in the throng, have finally found each other ...a union, fiery and pure as they themselves are... begins on earth and continues forever in heaven.
This union is love, true love, ...a religion which deifies the loved one, whose life comes from devotion and passion, and for which the greatest sacrifices are the sweetest delights.
This is the love which you inspire in me... Your soul is made to love with the purity and passion of angels; but perhaps it can only love another angel, in which case I must tremble with apprehension. 

Yours forever,
Victor Hugo 

to Adele Foucher
1821-1822

The passion of love written with such delicate words.  People don't write enough love letters.  The idea of taking a pen and ink to an empty piece of paper.  A mere window into the soul.  The vulnerability of your most intimate words being transcribed into history forever.  Not the promise of a fairytale, but the fiery passion behind each written word, running like an electric current through the spine.

We should write more love letters.

My Project: November

1. Banish the demons
Franzia: Chillable Red.  (November was a doozie, we needed the big boy)

Everyone has something that gets them a little down from time to time, no matter how old or insignificant something may be.  In my attempt at this happiness thing, I am using November to identify the demons I have in my life that make me feel un-happy and find a way to banish them.

"The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?" - Holly Golightly Breakfast at Tiffany's

These demons come in the shape of bad past experiences, anxiety over the things I cannot change and people that have hurt me in the past.  As I embark on a new chapter of my life, I know that I need to get rid of the anxiety these can sometimes cause.  I also have come to realize that this may take a little longer than the month of November.  Maybe I need to downscale this slightly and add a demon to each month until I run out.

So with that being said, I'll start with the demons of old relationships.  My old relationship with my now husband to be exact.  The old boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with old fights, old habits, and old sadness.  We have been living together for quite some time in a home that he owned prior to us meeting, so I've always only had this much say in the decisions relating to the house.  But now we are husband and wife, and while he still owns the house, it becomes our home together.  A home for our new relationship, our new love, and our new happiness.  So with his blessing: Operation Facelift has commenced.  Thank God its not all in one month!

First up, our dining room.  I have had a love/hate relationship with this color for all of 5 years.  Love the orange, but struggled with the living room wall color competing so harshly with it.  A small change with such a huge result:

new paint, new trim, newly upholstered seats and a new bench (not pictured), complete with a painted dog.

I'm completely in love with this color!  We still have quite a bit left to do, but we're making major progress.  Especially thanks to my recent IKEA run with Nadine! 

In addition to new paint, new industrial lights for over the table will be installed, the existing built in (not pictured above) is turning into a bar, and a fantastic art piece is being created by my dear friend Erin.

new dining room lights

IKEA can get you into to trouble.  It's a good thing we took the Jetta!  We worked hard for that frozen yogurt.  I don't even feel bad about it.

November is turning into a success.  I will need much more wine to continue these house projects, but they make me HAPPY!

My Project: The List

Blackstone Winery: Cabernet Sauvignon
I'm such a red girl.


So I've created my list.  12 items to be tackled in the next 12 months, our first year of marriage.  Some I think I will be able to get through pretty easily, others may take a bit more effort.  One should always be striving to be a better person, so here is my year long committment to becoming a happier me.

1.       Banish demons

2.       De-clutter          

3.       Stay organized

4.       Be on time

5.       Spend less money

6.       Laugh more

7.       Be healthier

8.       Do what I say

9.       Let go of perfection

10.   Create new adventures

11.   Say no

12.   Remember me

My first item will most likely be the hardest, mainly because I push bad feelings into the crevis of my core.  They don't have a place in my new life.  So I'm grabbing a shovel, digging them out and kicking them out of my life for good.  Besides, tackling one of the hardest items means its all downhill from there, right?

I may need the bigger bottle of wine for November.

My Project

I like reading.  Hardcover books to be exact.  I'm probably one of the least techiest people I know, well besides my husband.  I never have the latest and greatest.  I only recently aqcuired the iPhone following 6year olds across the country.  So it's no surprise that I don't own an e-reader.  The funny thing is, I doubt that I ever will.  I like books.  The covers, the smell of the pages, the way they transform into art on my bookshelf.  I'm old fashioned.

My newest read: The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

 

 

 

What a great read this is.  It's not one of those "discover who you are by traveling the world unrealistically for a year because you have zero money problems and can afford to be unemployed".  Gretchen's journey is a bit more realistic.  She's not unhappy in her current life, she just wants to live a happier life.  I can totally relate to this, see my list per the previous post.

So upon diving into this book, I've decided to embark on my own project.  In the typical behavior of an impatient person, I don't want to wait until January to begin mine.  I've just gotten married, why not make this project work over the course of my first year of marriage?  I also believe a good bottle of wine be required for each month.

So as Gretchen did, I shall start with outlining the things I'd like to tackle.  Without neglecting my previous list of course.  And with a bottle of wine. 

Stay posted.

Whoever said "lists don't work" is obviously wrong

 

 
Girlfriend finished college, oh what a feat!  Now on to the next!

disclaimer: I fully believe that lists are the key to success.  Following them in order, however, is not.

Where did the time go?

Now I remember...it's been in finishing my degree, finally.  My mom kicking cancer's ass, just like my sister and I knew she would.  Moving, again.  Planning a wedding to a rockstar.  Being the most awesome aunt to the most awesome niece.  And crafting my brains out.  Among the normal things.

My gosh, a lot has changed in the 2 years since I've posted anything.  I still write when I can find some time.  Not often enough though.  With all of the new and exciting happenings, this is when I should have been more active.  I know, I know.  Making the time for me, that was what I promised, wasn't it.

I'm on it.   

The Question Never Asked

I was living on the east coast...he came for Christmas, GORGEOUS ring in tow.  The plan had been set for months for the day after Christmas.  Family, New York City, Empire State Building, proposal of a lifetime.  What could be more romantic?

And then it snowed.  And snowed.  And snowed.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/December_2010_North_American_blizzard

We were snowed in.  Plans to explore NYC together spoiled, plans for this well thought out plan buried in the 32inches of snowfall.  I was disgruntled, to say the least...all I wanted was to show Dan New York, he making every effort to concoct PLAN B.
After much effort, on his part, we finally decided to be snowed in together at the closest hotel possible.  It was 10pm, we just checked into the hotel a 1/2 mile from my sister's house.  Dan was kneeling on the floor and I was sitting on the couch.  He reminded me how much he loved me and how much he couldn't wait to spend forever together....something like this:

Dan: Ferd, you know how much I love you, right?
Me: Yes
Dan: And you know how much I can't wait for you to be my wife?
Me:  I know.
Dan:  For all you know, I was going to ask you in the N  Y  C.
Me: Shut up, that's not even funny.
Dan:  For all you know, I'm about to ask you now...
Me:  What?
Dan: Ferd, will you......

The actual question was never even asked. Before Dan could get the rest of the sentence out, I somehow went from a perched position to leaping onto him. 

It was prefectly imperfect.

New York City can keep its Empire State Building.  The proposal couldn't have been more perfect.  Snowed in together, the streets quiet, alone to share the moment.  This was the moment two people had decided to spend forever together and this was exactly how it was supposed to happen.

Dear Cancer...Good Luck.

I've debated on whether or not I was actually going to post this for quite some time, based on the single fact that she is just as private as I am. But with time, I have decided that its too bad. I love her. And she needs to hear this.

 

I often look at my life, the struggles that I have been through, the ones I have had to fight my way through. Often times I reflect on where I had the strength to do it. The strength to overcome obstacles with such perseverance. The determination to not allow so many things from crippling me. I look back and realize that so much of my strength comes from a 5'4 stubborn little mule. And to her I need to say thank you.

 

In January, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. A mean little bastard. An unloved, un-welcomed disease. Since the day we heard the news, I have been at a constant internal struggle with the decision to go back, even though she begs me not to. She says chasing my own dreams are more important to her. I realize that me being there won't cure cancer. I realize that I can't even take her pain away (I CAN however shove pain meds down her throat). But there is something about our bond that makes me feel like I CAN fix her, even if its just fixing her soul.

 

Maybe it stems back to the accident when she was pregnant with me. Maybe it stems back to all my childhood days at Shriners Hospital. Maybe it stems back to the first time I moved away from her. Or the struggles through high school. Or the realization of a parallel universe over coffee, after leaving the courthouse. Through every battle I have encountered, she has been there. By my side. Every time.

 

Regardless of what it is, we are glue. Not a mother daughter, friend to friend, family to family glue. A glue of something so much deeper.

 

I sit now and watch her, listen to her, and feel her go through one hell of a fight. I want to tell her that I love her. That I am proud of her. That no matter how bad of a day it is, I'm here with her, even when I am 500 miles away. I'm here with her the ways that she has been with me all these years. She's an inspiration to me. A fighter. A hero. A role model.

 

Cancer affects families on regular basis. People fight. They win. They lose. Cancer attacks the soul and the spirit as much as it attacks the physical body. I want to tell her that I got this. Concentrate on the physical Momma…I got your spirit. Wrapped up in my hands, guarded by my heart. I want to tell her that even on her weakest days, the days she hates this hand, the days she has a hard time telling cancer to f*&% off….I will. We are a team. I will laugh in its face as you beat this, even on the days you can't.

 

 

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
~Dr. Seuss

 

Sometimes, its just about listening to the right doctor.

 

I love you mom.

My Postcards

“In the future, in the wind, in the dark on the observation deck at the top of the Space Needle, Brandy Alexander, that brand-name queen supreme that she is, Brandy comes out to Seth and I with souvenirs of the future. These are postcards so faded and dog-eared and picked over and ignored that they've survived in the back of a revolving wire rack for years. Here are pictures of the future with clean, sun-bleached skies behind an opening-day Space Needle. Here's the Monorail full of smiling babes in Jackie O pink mohair suits with three huge cloth-covered buttons down the front. Children in striped T-shirts and blonde astronaut crew cuts run through a Science Center where all the fountains still work.
‘Tell the world what scares you most,’ says Brandy. She gives us each an Aubergine Dreams eyebrow pencil and says, ‘Save the world with some advice from the future.’
Seth writes on the back of a card and hands it to Brandy for her to read.
On game shows, Brandy reads, some people will take the trip to France, but most will take the wash dryer pair.
Brandy puts a big Plumbago kiss on the little square for the stamp and lets the wind lift the card and sail it off toward the towers of downtown Seattle.
Seth hands her another, and Brandy reads:
Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.
A kiss, and the card’s on its way toward Lake Washington.
From Seth:
When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?
A kiss, and it’s off on the wind toward Ballard.
Only when we eat up this planet will God give us another. We’ll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create.
Interstate 5 sneaks by in the distance. From high atop the Space Needle, the southbound lanes are red chase lights, and the northbound lanes are white chase lights. I take a card and write:
I love Seth Thomas so much I have to destroy him. I over-compensate by worshipping the queen supreme. Seth will never love me. No one will ever love me again.
Brandy is waiting to take the card and read it out loud. Brandy’s waiting to read my worst fears to the world, but I don’t give her the card. I kiss it myself with the lips I don’t have and let the wind take it out of my hand. The card flies up, up, up to the stars and then falls down to land in the suicide net.
While I watch my future trapped in the suicide net, Brandy reads another card from Seth.
We are all self-composting.
I write on another card from the future, and Brandy reads it,
When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves.
An updraft lifts my worst fears from the suicide net and sails them away.
Seth writes and Brandy reads.
You have to keep recycling yourself.
I write and Brandy reads.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known.
I write and Brandy reads.The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
- taken from Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk


This book was originally given to me by a great friend, and as promised, one of the better I have read. I have to admit that I have actually read this twice now. And after some time passing, am truly inspired by the passage above. Maybe a little lengthy to share in a blog, but important for you to read, even if you never read the book.

By the way, read the book.

As I reflect on what this passage means to me, I must confess, it definitely has a different meaning the 2nd time around. Funny how that works. I sit and think about what I would tell my past self, if I could, if with my own time capsule. I take out my own set of postcards, and I write from the future. I write not on top of the Space Needle. I write not to be read by Brandy Alexander. Birds did not eat my face. I write from my own future. And I write with such great hope:

Cancer will not affect your children, the way it has affected the children of each generation.

Do not give the man that tore everything from you power over you, especially after 13 long years. Take the power back.

Girls can no longer think being dumb is cute. Women are their own destiny. Relationships are success’ mere accessory.

Don’t complain about what government doesn’t do for you. Become part of the movement. Better yet, start the movement.

Insecurities and fear are best fought with perseverance and humility.

Love comes from the corners in which your best support stands in.

Letting someone in and telling them your story is the best form of therapy.

99.9% of people are full of shit. Finding the .1% that aren’t, are worth it.

Men make girls crazy, and girls make men assholes. It’s a vicious circle. Welcome to the party.

Fighting back is worth it. Even if the best you can do is a split lip. Never let a man put his hands on you again.

Credit cards are fashioned by the devil. Its been said she wears Prada.

It isn’t about finding the perfect person to start a relationship with; it’s about finding the person that doesn’t make you want to jump off a building.

Before you whine about how the good of America helps the less fortunate, ask yourself if you would fight for the good of America that has been handed to you on a silver platter.

Spend an afternoon with someone you think is too old to be coherent. Spend an afternoon with someone you think is too young to have an opinion. You’ll be reminded of what you allow to be lost.

Every woman should have a killer set of heels, a sexy black dress, a suit that makes her feel like she can run the world, a recipe that can be executed with little shown effort, and a passion of her own.

Rape and terrorism is fueled by the same power: fear. Stop being afraid.

A checklist is never a bad thing, no matter what anyone says.

Laugh until it hurts. If you don’t laugh enough, find new friends.

If given the chance to write your own postcard, what would you say?



And to the one that challenged me to write my own....thank you.