I remember waking up early one morning. And by early, I actually mean early, not the early I had grown to adapt to working later in the afternoons. It was 6am when I rolled over and looked at my phone. I remember feeling discontent and anxious that morning, like a sickness in my stomach. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't. Like most times when I lay in bed, my mind was racing. I find so many things to distract myself with during the day, ways to escape a lot of my thoughts, but somehow they always find me in bed. Which ironically, leads to most of the thoughts I have in the first place....we'll get into that later.
I had done the usual, check my emails, read the drunk texts from my friends the night before, check the ever addicting social sites...but I couldn't ignore this feeling. This wasn't just a pink elephant in the room anymore. It was a herd of pink elephants doing the twist at the foot of the bed. I needed change, and it had never been so clear.
I had tossed around the idea of change so many times before. Knowing that my soul was no longer being fed. Knowing that of all the things I wanted to accomplish, somehow, I just couldn't do them here. Knowing that if I wanted to have a different life, I actually had to make that change myself. I remember driving to work one day last winter. A box truck had passed me on the freeway, and on the side read an inscription: "Life doesn't get better by chance, it gets better by change." And for whatever reason that morning, that's all I could think about.
I needed a break from whatever reality I called life. There was a girl, playing hide and go seek with me. But no matter how fast I ran, or what strategic plan I had made to catch her, I never could. Every time I caught up, she disappeared. I was playing hide and go seek with my own shadow. And in my shadow lay all of my passions. I couldn't catch her, and for the first time, I finally realized why. I had spent so much time, spending so much effort, into making everyone else around me happy. I have an uncontrollable desire to feel loved, and with that desire, comes an uncontrollable obession to make other people happy. I had grown to believe that if I can make someone else happy, in turn, they will just love me. But what happens if they don't? Why was I looking to so many external sources, when the secret to be loved can only be found in yourself? I had spent so much of my energy being a support for family, friends, and lovers that I never left any for myself. For the first time in my life I knew that I HAD to come first. I knew that I had to do something selfish. I had lost myself in everyone else's happiness, dreams, and passions. I had looked to so many people to fill a void that undeniably was in my heart. Sure, I am a product of some bad situations, situations that have absolutely shaped who I am as a woman, but I couldn't hide in that excuse anymore. I know what makes me happy. So if most unhappy people are unhappy because they don't know what MAKES them happy....and I stand here, KNOWING what makes me happy, why I am still so confused? If I feel like the answer to all my questions are printed on a banner being held by the twisting elephants, why I am still so reluctant?
I lay awake that morning for six hours. I'm not really sure why. I don't know if I was waiting for a reaction within myself. Or if maybe I was trying to talk myself out of it. Or maybe I was just finally content in my decision. But for whatever reason, I lay there. Quiet and still. And I knew. I got up, put whatever belongings I had in that room in my ironically hot pink totes, and started the process.
A lot of people have asked why I finally decided to move away. And for most, their questions have gone unanswered. I won't deny that there were influences in my decision, and some know what those influences were. To those that don't, you won't find that answer here. But let me state for the record that I left for me. I am on a journey to finding me, to feeding my own dreams, passions and soul. Is there ever a point in your life, when reinventing yourself is inappropriate? My answer is no. And that is exactly what I plan on doing.
