The Question Never Asked

I was living on the east coast...he came for Christmas, GORGEOUS ring in tow.  The plan had been set for months for the day after Christmas.  Family, New York City, Empire State Building, proposal of a lifetime.  What could be more romantic?

And then it snowed.  And snowed.  And snowed.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/December_2010_North_American_blizzard

We were snowed in.  Plans to explore NYC together spoiled, plans for this well thought out plan buried in the 32inches of snowfall.  I was disgruntled, to say the least...all I wanted was to show Dan New York, he making every effort to concoct PLAN B.
After much effort, on his part, we finally decided to be snowed in together at the closest hotel possible.  It was 10pm, we just checked into the hotel a 1/2 mile from my sister's house.  Dan was kneeling on the floor and I was sitting on the couch.  He reminded me how much he loved me and how much he couldn't wait to spend forever together....something like this:

Dan: Ferd, you know how much I love you, right?
Me: Yes
Dan: And you know how much I can't wait for you to be my wife?
Me:  I know.
Dan:  For all you know, I was going to ask you in the N  Y  C.
Me: Shut up, that's not even funny.
Dan:  For all you know, I'm about to ask you now...
Me:  What?
Dan: Ferd, will you......

The actual question was never even asked. Before Dan could get the rest of the sentence out, I somehow went from a perched position to leaping onto him. 

It was prefectly imperfect.

New York City can keep its Empire State Building.  The proposal couldn't have been more perfect.  Snowed in together, the streets quiet, alone to share the moment.  This was the moment two people had decided to spend forever together and this was exactly how it was supposed to happen.

Dear Cancer...Good Luck.

I've debated on whether or not I was actually going to post this for quite some time, based on the single fact that she is just as private as I am. But with time, I have decided that its too bad. I love her. And she needs to hear this.

 

I often look at my life, the struggles that I have been through, the ones I have had to fight my way through. Often times I reflect on where I had the strength to do it. The strength to overcome obstacles with such perseverance. The determination to not allow so many things from crippling me. I look back and realize that so much of my strength comes from a 5'4 stubborn little mule. And to her I need to say thank you.

 

In January, my mom was diagnosed with cancer. A mean little bastard. An unloved, un-welcomed disease. Since the day we heard the news, I have been at a constant internal struggle with the decision to go back, even though she begs me not to. She says chasing my own dreams are more important to her. I realize that me being there won't cure cancer. I realize that I can't even take her pain away (I CAN however shove pain meds down her throat). But there is something about our bond that makes me feel like I CAN fix her, even if its just fixing her soul.

 

Maybe it stems back to the accident when she was pregnant with me. Maybe it stems back to all my childhood days at Shriners Hospital. Maybe it stems back to the first time I moved away from her. Or the struggles through high school. Or the realization of a parallel universe over coffee, after leaving the courthouse. Through every battle I have encountered, she has been there. By my side. Every time.

 

Regardless of what it is, we are glue. Not a mother daughter, friend to friend, family to family glue. A glue of something so much deeper.

 

I sit now and watch her, listen to her, and feel her go through one hell of a fight. I want to tell her that I love her. That I am proud of her. That no matter how bad of a day it is, I'm here with her, even when I am 500 miles away. I'm here with her the ways that she has been with me all these years. She's an inspiration to me. A fighter. A hero. A role model.

 

Cancer affects families on regular basis. People fight. They win. They lose. Cancer attacks the soul and the spirit as much as it attacks the physical body. I want to tell her that I got this. Concentrate on the physical Momma…I got your spirit. Wrapped up in my hands, guarded by my heart. I want to tell her that even on her weakest days, the days she hates this hand, the days she has a hard time telling cancer to f*&% off….I will. We are a team. I will laugh in its face as you beat this, even on the days you can't.

 

 

"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!"
~Dr. Seuss

 

Sometimes, its just about listening to the right doctor.

 

I love you mom.

My Postcards

“In the future, in the wind, in the dark on the observation deck at the top of the Space Needle, Brandy Alexander, that brand-name queen supreme that she is, Brandy comes out to Seth and I with souvenirs of the future. These are postcards so faded and dog-eared and picked over and ignored that they've survived in the back of a revolving wire rack for years. Here are pictures of the future with clean, sun-bleached skies behind an opening-day Space Needle. Here's the Monorail full of smiling babes in Jackie O pink mohair suits with three huge cloth-covered buttons down the front. Children in striped T-shirts and blonde astronaut crew cuts run through a Science Center where all the fountains still work.
‘Tell the world what scares you most,’ says Brandy. She gives us each an Aubergine Dreams eyebrow pencil and says, ‘Save the world with some advice from the future.’
Seth writes on the back of a card and hands it to Brandy for her to read.
On game shows, Brandy reads, some people will take the trip to France, but most will take the wash dryer pair.
Brandy puts a big Plumbago kiss on the little square for the stamp and lets the wind lift the card and sail it off toward the towers of downtown Seattle.
Seth hands her another, and Brandy reads:
Game shows are designed to make us feel better about the random, useless facts that are all we have left of our education.
A kiss, and the card’s on its way toward Lake Washington.
From Seth:
When did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?
A kiss, and it’s off on the wind toward Ballard.
Only when we eat up this planet will God give us another. We’ll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create.
Interstate 5 sneaks by in the distance. From high atop the Space Needle, the southbound lanes are red chase lights, and the northbound lanes are white chase lights. I take a card and write:
I love Seth Thomas so much I have to destroy him. I over-compensate by worshipping the queen supreme. Seth will never love me. No one will ever love me again.
Brandy is waiting to take the card and read it out loud. Brandy’s waiting to read my worst fears to the world, but I don’t give her the card. I kiss it myself with the lips I don’t have and let the wind take it out of my hand. The card flies up, up, up to the stars and then falls down to land in the suicide net.
While I watch my future trapped in the suicide net, Brandy reads another card from Seth.
We are all self-composting.
I write on another card from the future, and Brandy reads it,
When we don’t know who to hate, we hate ourselves.
An updraft lifts my worst fears from the suicide net and sails them away.
Seth writes and Brandy reads.
You have to keep recycling yourself.
I write and Brandy reads.
Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everybody I’ve ever known.
I write and Brandy reads.The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.”
- taken from Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk


This book was originally given to me by a great friend, and as promised, one of the better I have read. I have to admit that I have actually read this twice now. And after some time passing, am truly inspired by the passage above. Maybe a little lengthy to share in a blog, but important for you to read, even if you never read the book.

By the way, read the book.

As I reflect on what this passage means to me, I must confess, it definitely has a different meaning the 2nd time around. Funny how that works. I sit and think about what I would tell my past self, if I could, if with my own time capsule. I take out my own set of postcards, and I write from the future. I write not on top of the Space Needle. I write not to be read by Brandy Alexander. Birds did not eat my face. I write from my own future. And I write with such great hope:

Cancer will not affect your children, the way it has affected the children of each generation.

Do not give the man that tore everything from you power over you, especially after 13 long years. Take the power back.

Girls can no longer think being dumb is cute. Women are their own destiny. Relationships are success’ mere accessory.

Don’t complain about what government doesn’t do for you. Become part of the movement. Better yet, start the movement.

Insecurities and fear are best fought with perseverance and humility.

Love comes from the corners in which your best support stands in.

Letting someone in and telling them your story is the best form of therapy.

99.9% of people are full of shit. Finding the .1% that aren’t, are worth it.

Men make girls crazy, and girls make men assholes. It’s a vicious circle. Welcome to the party.

Fighting back is worth it. Even if the best you can do is a split lip. Never let a man put his hands on you again.

Credit cards are fashioned by the devil. Its been said she wears Prada.

It isn’t about finding the perfect person to start a relationship with; it’s about finding the person that doesn’t make you want to jump off a building.

Before you whine about how the good of America helps the less fortunate, ask yourself if you would fight for the good of America that has been handed to you on a silver platter.

Spend an afternoon with someone you think is too old to be coherent. Spend an afternoon with someone you think is too young to have an opinion. You’ll be reminded of what you allow to be lost.

Every woman should have a killer set of heels, a sexy black dress, a suit that makes her feel like she can run the world, a recipe that can be executed with little shown effort, and a passion of her own.

Rape and terrorism is fueled by the same power: fear. Stop being afraid.

A checklist is never a bad thing, no matter what anyone says.

Laugh until it hurts. If you don’t laugh enough, find new friends.

If given the chance to write your own postcard, what would you say?



And to the one that challenged me to write my own....thank you.

New Year Part II - "Love is the Fabric of Life"

The excitement of a new year brought me to New York City. I had gone with hopes of feeling rejuvenated and plans to refocus. I had started to feel the effects of leaving everything that became my life in weeks prior and had definitely needed a spark. It would be the first time my sister and I were able to spend New Years together in our adult lives. We decided that standing in Times Square wasn't really conducive to the attire we were planning...typical girls I suppose. Instead, we opted for the Bootleggers Ball in Brooklyn, thanks to Diz.

After running the streets of New Haven, CT to catch the Metro North (and absolutely making it), Krissy and I were on our way to the big city. For the record, I will admit that it was more than likely my fault we were running late. Fashionably late doesn't really work well for public transportation, and I see the importance in probably improving at that. I figure I have a long enough list at the present moment, I'll save that for a resolution during a boring year.

Stepping my little 3 1/2" boot heels onto the streets of New York City did just as I had expected. There is something about the city that I can't really explain. Its a fire inside my little soul reminding me that I am bigger than what my prior surroundings provided me. Whether it be the inspiration to dream bigger, the smell of street side vendors, or the energy it provides, it gets me. I love NY and NY loves me.


This is what we walked into.

It was like we stepped back into the 20s.

It was fantastic.

Head ornaments of all sorts, men actually dressed nicely, not the lame version most men think is nice in our day. Good spirits and great people surrounding us.



I was excited for a new year, even though I had grown to finally appreciate what 2009 brought me. With my party dress, a string of pearls, and my own little head ornament, I set out for what would be the only way I envisioned ringing in 2010.

(pictured left to right: Krissy, Me, Nadine, Rachel)

Champagne flowed, laughter shared, memories made. For us 4 girls, this night all meant the same in each of our own very different ways.

Rachel had convinced me to get my tarot cards read. She had explained the importance of positive energy, and how it directly reflects the reading provided. It was just past midnight, the ball had dropped, it had officially become the new year. It wasn't going to get more positive than this. I had so much to look forward to...and at this moment, that's all I could think about.

Its amazing what a stranger can say, and how easily it can affect your life. I had sat down, and cut the deck, just as she instructed. She glanced at the cards, looked up at me, and shook her head in disapproval. What...am I dying? How bad can this get?

She had told me she saw turmoil and heartache. That there was a relationship lost (notice the emperor card) with either my father or a lover....considering my daddy is still my daddy, lets assume the latter. She talked about a heavy weight I carry, that I assume I have to lift on my own. That I continue to be strong and that I don't let myself grieve. That I long for love and fulfillment, but have made positive steps towards accomplishing that. (Trust me, at this point, I was waiting for the good news) She explained how important my inner strength is to me, and how whatever steps I am taking to better myself will payoff. She talked about my new desire to get it down, for the universe to read. I was entertained by that, considering this book venture of mine. That I need to communicate above me, not always in me...and that no matter how my heart cries, for whatever it was going through, Love is life. And Love is the fabric of life.

There was no denying what she told me affected me. I had looked across the table at a perfect stranger and wondered how in the hell she got all that from me cutting the deck a few times. She looked back across the table, stood up, and gave me a hug. I said "gosh I needed that", to which she responded, "I know".

Maybe this is something I will do again, just to see if the cards change. Whether a tarot card reading is something to be valued or not, it inspired me. Love is life, and love carries you through life. Hate holds love, resentment holds love, anger holds love. In a world so cold, so angry and violent, there is still love somewhere that keeps it going.

Too often we put so much emphasize on "love" being found and lost in romantic relationships, that we lose all of the other aspects of our life love is found. Its in the stranger holding the door open, in the one smile that makes a bad day better. Its the mothers brush of your hair that calms a fear. The taste of something delicious. Its the laughter shared between friends. The memories from childhood scars. Its the plans to grow old with someone. Its in a child telling you they love you. Its in the pride of an accomplishment.

Love is the string, the bond, the fabric that hold all of our lives together.

Oh New York, it is you I love...you continue to inspire me.